Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
