So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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