Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize