Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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