You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
