my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
