At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
