I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
