If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
