soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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