So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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