There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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