are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Randomize
