On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize