it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
