Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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