watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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