Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
