my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
