i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize