i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
