There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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