is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
