I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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