I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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