Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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