I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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