how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
