Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
