but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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