i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
