you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
