I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
