did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
is that a dick in a sweater?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
