i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
