i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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