Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
