From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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