my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
