he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
