from now on my penis is your penis
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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