it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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