Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
