When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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