Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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