I met the friendliest cop last night
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize