As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize