Cold hands, warm shart.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
