I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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