One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize