finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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