I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
