At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
