for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
