hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
