Little spoons don't ask big questions
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
