I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
