miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
