I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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