just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
