Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
