ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
