i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
