Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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